This is going in the next Letters Never Meant to be Read and I hope this stirs up at least a little controversy.
This one is to National University, my alma mater where I earned my MFA in Creative Writing. I have another one for Southern New Hampshire University that I will preview soon as well. I hope to pin one against the other, or at least gain awareness of nonsense. Please share!
Dear National University,
This summer, I applied to be an online adjunct professor for your creative writing program. In response, you sent me this trash:
Thank you for your interest in teaching with the College of Letters and Sciences.
We received your application to Job ID: 5551 – PT Adjunct – Department of Arts & Humanities.
Upon review of your education history, we see you are a graduate of National University. In order to promote academic diversity, we look for individuals who have received their master’s and/or terminal degree(s) from other institutions.
In the future, should you obtain a higher level degree from a different university, you are more than welcome to reapply.
What does that mean, academic diversity? Do you know how old school you sound? It’s 2017 and you can’t be a contradiction. You can’t eat cake and say that you don’t promote frosting. Is this how you prove that you aren’t a degree mill? Is this how to prove to the world that you aren’t an overpriced printing press? What a joke.
I am in debt! Can’t you see I need help? Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute of your literature, your workshops, and your grueling masquerade. We were lovers. How could you deny our offspring?
You dare insult my industrious nature. My ambition is more than your cake. I’ll chop wood anyway and warm someone else’s hearth. See me chopping away? You have made a mistake. You have given me more fuel.
I was in the habit of telling everyone that you did me some good. I recommended you to others who were lost. In return, as a sign of your affection, you hold onto moldy habits and rotten rules. You clutch bitter knives to ward off pests. Pests like me. I will be a hoard and strip the land of your existence. How dare you deny me?
Maybe I will obtain a higher degree from a different university. I will chop so much wood. I will get honorary degrees all over the damn place. I will give speeches at graduations that people will put on YouTube for inspiration. I will deny your existence. I will deny our love.
Tell Southern New Hampshire to hire me because you won’t. Tell them how rigorous and robust your program was for me. Tell them it was worth it.